A Love So Beautiful

 

Christi and I moved slowly past the nurses station towards room 7 in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit.  We were going to see Judah one more time and to talk with the Life Gift Doctor about organ donation.  As we approached, we heard a female Doctor exclaim loudly, ‘I am calling it.’ A chill sliced through me as I realized that our precious 3 year old boy was dead.  First he was assessed brain dead, then his tiny heart gave up.

His room was full of medical staff who respectfully left once we entered the room.  Christi and I broke down, deep uncontrollable sobs, guttural groans for the years lost, the closeness to our baby forever gone.

We approached the bed to see our Juju, swollen from a cocktail of medication, laying inert – vacant.  In that moment, as a Christian I believed he was with God in heaven, but as a father, one who was committed to protecting my boy, his lifeless, cold body, covered in tubes, assaulted every part of me.

I gently straightened his hair, I kissed him, I wept, heavily, painfully.  Christi and I stood with him, telling him we loved him, and as the shock clutched our throats, we sobbed.

We were offered to hold him one last time, which we accepted. They disconnected him from the various tubes and lines, and he was carefully lifted into our aching arms. img_3345

As I held him, I could not believe my lively, intelligent, vivacious son was dead.  No more would he run to me and insist I build him a lego house.  No more would he snuggle into me when he was scared.

No more.

It was finished.

He died 3 weeks ago today at 9:51pm in Houston, Texas.  And I can tell you this with certainty, never will my life be the same, never will I fully recover.

These past three weeks have been wave after wave of brutal grief and trauma, the reality coupled with my memories constantly assailing  me.

But amidst the pain, I am witnessing a glorious example of how God loves his people, and how powerful the church can be.

We are experiencing 1 John 4:7:  Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.’  Love offered through prayers, through meals provided, through funds donated, through gifts, by our friends, family and our church clergy being present with us, listening, sharing resources and ideas.. and so much more. 

And God’s love through his people is truly beautiful, holding us in our darkest time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

73 thoughts on “A Love So Beautiful

  1. I’ve followed you for years, you’ve been uplifting for me so often when my son would be sick and things didn’t look good.
    Now, I find myself wishing I could be as uplifting for you and Christi. Please know we are praying for you everyday, our hearts are broken with yours, and we are so helpless and fear saying the wrong things in search for the right things.
    Please know you are LOVED…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dearest Brown Family,
      As a Pediatric Critical Care Respiratory Therapist, I have heard those grieving, guttural groans way too many times. They are the worst sounds from a parent ever. My heart aches for you and yours. My name is Judy and my family has always called me Juju. I know your Juju is with our precious savior ,Jesus. I look forward to one day meeting your Juju.
      I will pray every night for peace and healing.
      Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew5:4
      Your sister in Christ, Judy

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    1. I’m still very saddened by this I grieve with you there are no words that can comfort you all I can say is this precious little boy is in Jesus arms but I will continue to pray for you Christi and your family we love you and thank you for all the prayers you’ve always offered us. Please let me know if you need anything if there’s anything I can do. There just aren’t any words right now to help. Now this you will see him again one day with much love

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  2. My heart hurts for your family, you guys have inspired me over the years and your posts and words guided me though hard times in my life. I was pregnant with my 8th child Tobiah at the same time as Chrisi was pregnant with Judah, I just feel like you are part of my family and during Judahs battle for His life I prayed so hard, and also felt so guilty that my Tobiah was running around like Judah was the day earlier. I was so mad at God that he let this happen to you, and I still don’t understand it. The devil is a liar. Watching your family grieve is painful to watch, and I just feel so helpless. Just know there are so many people who hold you in prayer, and you are all such an amazing picture of Grace. I love your family so much and I will never forget Judah. Marinatha

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  3. Dear Mark and Christi, thank you for sharing such a powerful message, your pain along with your love for your children but more for our powerful, omni present God, takes my breath away. May God bless you and keep you both forever in His loving care.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My heart hurts for you and Christi. Judah was a beautiful, bubbly boy. I can only offer my prayers and love to you and your family, but God gives so much more. May he give you the comfort and strength you need.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can’t stop crying for this ..I can’t belive it’s even reall . So I imagine how you guys feel ..I am deeply sorry for all this . I have not much words that can make it better . ( .I wish I could ) but please know that you guys are wonderful I Been fallow u for long time . Know that I been praying and I’m here for you guys . Please be strong .I know that this is a nightmare but please try to be strong ..I’m praying that’s all I can offer for now . God bless

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I just don’t understand. And it’s hard and it hurts!! I continue to Pray GOD’S STRENGHT and COMFORT as ONLY HE CAN GIVE to you and your Family. Much Love to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Every single time I read a post of yours, read your blog or just a FB post….. I tear up. I don’t know you, you don’t know me, I didn’t know your beautiful Angel “Juju” but I ache with you as a parent and grandmother. Please know you are in my thoughts, my prayers and kept close to my heart. God will heal you, while you will never be the same He will heal you. Blessings and peace…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Every day is a day of healing, one more day of sadness behind you. My heart breaks for you and Christi. Please stand together, do not let the devil in, he going to try, you are at your weakness point, but you take this sadness and turn it in to beauty, to represent Judah life. Let his light shine on!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. What a beautiful moment to share with us. I’m filled with such sorrow and peace as I read your words. Christi and you have a bond that will carry through this part of your lives and see you through the difficult moments ahead. Jonah was blessed to have you both with him and to see him through the transition to heaven. May God continue to show you the way. God bless you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Mark and Christi,  my heart just breaks for you.  You are living the nightmare that no parent ever wants to face.   No words can ever bring your beautiful Judah back, or ease your pain.  All I can do is continue to pray for you and your family,  and light a candle for you and Judah every day.  Your willingness to publically write of your loss and share Christi’s beautiful poems,I know is helping many parents that have faced this same overwhelming journey.  And to the rest of us that know and love you, you have given us a true example of faith, and love of the Lord, no matter what the circumstances.  Thank you for being who you are,  a loving man and woman of great faith.  Healing Blessings,Diane

    Liked by 1 person

  11. That was so beautifully said. We all grieve with you as we all watched Judah grow up and when Christie was pregnant with him. You may not know me personally. But in spirit yes. Only through God’s tender mercies and grace, will you one day have the peace you need, but you mourn your sons loss, for as long as you need too, we love you guys and mourn with you. Love Reina

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This is truly beautiful Mark. Only someone that has experienced this same pain can truly relate to every word you said here. May God continue to pour his love over your family as you navigate the days ahead without your precious son Judah.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I am so sorry for your lost. I lost my son also. God does not make mistakes. He is a just God. Just trust his will we may not understand but please know he is amongst the Angels know and you will be again. His time was brief but meaningful. May God strengthen you until you meet again.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Judah. On July 15,2014 I too held my son as he took his last breath from a drowning accident. I pray for peace and comfort in your lives.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I am so sorry I am a mother and grandmother I will constantly lift your family up before the throne of our God words cannot express the sadness I feel for u guys

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Oh how my heart aches for you and your family. You are true servants of the Lord and in the midst of your pain you are still wittnessing thru your struggle.. I have never lost a child.. I have one son only and it has been a fear of mine to ever lose him.. I just can’t imagine and want to say something to help but at a loss for words.. May the Lord bless you and keep you.. May the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracius to you. May the Lord lift up hid contrnance and give you peace.. Love tracy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mark thank you for sharing ivweep with you my brother as I read you’re story I couldn’t help but to feel you’re pain when you lose a child then you’re able to understand the grieve of another person but I can tell you through the strength of my Father God I’m standing and I stand today in prayer with you and Christi and hold you’ll hands to the Father for strength

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  17. I’m so sorry that this has happened. My heart is breaking for you. I pray for comfort, strength & guidance for you & your’s. I am very thankful that we serve a loving God, for one day again you will see & hold your son. God bless.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. The pain I feel for your loss is unbearable. I am so sorry. Our 27-year-old son died eight months ago. I’ve never known this depth of pain. I can only imagine losing a three-year-old .
    Father, please help us all as we grieve. 🙏😭

    Liked by 2 people

  19. I weep with you.
    I pray from the ashes of your brokenness and pain God will take it and turn it to an object of beauty.
    The event is tragic beyond description but the story did not end at Judah’s passing. God continues to write the most amazing last chapter. There is a good ending, praise God! But in the meantime you are called to remain here. I send my love and comfort to you through prayer.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Dear Mark,
    I not going to say I am sorry for your loss & not saying that out of disrespectful. Because out there of personal experiences of losing a love one. I very, very, much feel your pain. I lost a child from misscarrage. But, the worst lost I thought was my Grandmothers, ( I was in shock for a long time I loved her so very much) But, when my Mother passed I cried days, weeks, months, a year went by then I lost it. I mourned my Mom for months & I can’t tell you the pain, ache, anger, loss, confusion, heart reaching, tears, non-stop all the time. I thought I was going crazy. It’s only when I heard that my Mom raised her hand at a service that when a Pastor said please close your eyes & raise your hand after I say this Salvation Pray my Mom raise her hand the Pastor’s wife said she did not till then did things become clear. That she was with the Lord in his loving, comforting, arms. There was no more tears, suffering, pain, or struggling for her anymore. That made me feel so much better that I knew I would see her again one day. So if you & Christi take anything from the words I said, & believe me I know your both suffering. Know this Juju is at peace, with the Lord, & you both will meet again one day in heaven. God bless you are in my 🙏 prayers Bernice

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  21. My heart is just broken for you. Take comfort in the fact that Christ has told us He has come to make all things new and one day there will be no more death or pain. He will wipe every tear away. Judah is well.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I am praying for you both. Lord comfort Mark and Christie during this time of loss, we know Lord that you have Judah in your loving arms.
    “God, bring comfort and peace. Peace is your essence. Peace is your name. Bring peace to this family who has lost their precious child in death.

    We come to you, God because we know that you sorrow, and are acquainted with grief. You too have endured the loss of a child. You empathize.
    In Jesus name,
    Amen

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  23. I know this grief is inescapable. I see families with young sons and think of you. I’ve never met you, but I weep for your loss. I pray for you often. I hug and kiss my kids, especially my son, extra times when I think of your loss. I am so sorry. I have no words….I know that the Holy Spirit will bring you comfort. The Lord will give words where there are none. May He send His peace to you and comfort you. Thank you for your ministry and sharing your story. There are a lot of people healing along side of you because of your openness. Even through this, God is working.

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  24. I read. This as I was not able to continue. As my eyes are so swollen from crying this is such a beautiful. Message as I’ve been following this for a couple of weeks. Such a tragedy I pray for the brown family as Mark Brown one day you will hold Judah in your arms. Again I’m so sorry. For your loss may god embrace. Your family with love as one day you will see Judah again amem

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  25. I have followed you for awhile now, and have always been uplifted by your messages. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your grief, and I wish I had the words you need to hear to be comforted. God Bless you and your family.

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  26. I have off and on followed you for awhile now as well as your family. As I sit here and weep for you and your family, I have no way to express this deep love and sadness. I pray that as many has felt the same let it be heard unto God who knows our needs better than the words we could speak and may he continually hold you all in his arms each day and walk beside you as you heal. Much love to you and your family Mark!

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  27. Dear Mark & Christi, this little angel has left many hearts bleeding but your groef must be tremendous as he was your flesh and blood. The above image of Judah lying wilted made me cry, I cannot imagine how you sustained the pain. May you find solace knowing you will see him again. God bless you!

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  28. Mark and Christi,
    I am incredibly sorry for your loss of Judah. It breaks my heart. I can’t help but cry every time I see your posts, pictures and poems. I, myself am a parent and pray to God that I never have to experience losing my child. I will continue to pray For your family.

    Much love to you all

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  29. I keep you both in prayer, Mark, as well as the rest of your family. I know I don’t know you, but my heart cries for you. I can’t imagine the agony you feel, or why God allowed this to happen. We can only be greatful that we know that Jesus Christ is with you, and He will get you and your family through it. We love you, Mark, and Christi. Lean on Jesus.

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  30. Mark & Christi. I too have shed many tears and felt so sad every step of this painful journey you are on. I’ve been praying along with brothers and sisters from my church. These prayers continue. Though we are many, we are one body. I’ve read your posts & blogs for many years, amazed at your love, kindness and care for others. Your passion & zeal for God and his word too has been such an encouragement and a blessing. We now stand with you. What a beautiful family. We love you all. God bless.

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  31. I just want to know how are the other children coping… I hope God heals all your broken hearts… One day, you will understand why… God bless and protect you all. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Dear dear brother. . . . .your transparency through this grief simply blows me away. . . I have been praying for you for a while, and through this horrific time I have continued. I have a number of friends who’s children have gone on before them. . . . I have stood on the outside wishing I could help and knowing all I can do is to sigh with them. . . . Thank you for sharing this so publicly, there are so many who don’t know how to express their anguish, and I know that your words, and the words of your wife, will touch many hearts and help them to move closer to the Lord. . . and to help them find out how to live with this agonizing new normal where nothing will ever be the same. . . .

    I love you brother. . . .

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  33. Mark, I have followed you and Christi on Facebook for quite a few years now and I want to thank you for being so inspiring to me, and to others. I remember when you and Christi announced that you were pregnant with Judah and I was so excited for you both .. for your family. I am so sorry for your loss and I just want you to know that this sister-in-Christ carries you in her prayers on a daily basis and will continue to do so. You have ministered to us, now let us minister to you. God bless!

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  34. As one of many who have followed your family and the many stories, and love ,that have been published, I am also blessed by both of your transparency during this time, and by how I see the two of you holding to each other, and to Jesus.
    When we buried our newborn son, we did lean on the Lord as best we knew how, but didn’t know how to be there for each other, and it nearly tore us apart. I’d love to tell you that the pain stops, but it will not…it just changes. It’s been 7 years for us and it still hurts. I’m encouraged by the loving example you and your wife give for others who may be experiencing the loss of a child. My heart breaks for you both, and while I know nothing can make your heart hurt less, know that we pray for you all. What an impact this sweet little boy has had on so many people, all over the world, both in life AND in death. I believe more people have heard about Jesus, and his love, and about heaven, because of little Judah. What a beautiful boy. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I so wish there was something that we could do. Our prayers continually go up for you, Christie, and the other children. One day, this world will be over, and what a fantastic reunion that will be! ❤

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  35. Mark,Christi and family,
    Mark I’ve been following you for years, and at times have called upon you when I need a heavy hitter to help me out with my prayers. My friends and family all know who you guys are and we prayed with everything we had. We called upon friends of friends and family of a families to pray for little Judah. We haven’t stopped we all continue to pray for you all to give you strength and power to carry on. You are all Gods disciples and will continue to minister to us. Our Lord has taught to love one another and it’s a message I’ve heard you preach to us many a time. There’s no sense to to us why little Judah’s rise to glory came so early, only our Father and His Son our Saviour and the Holy Spirit know this, what I do know and what I do believe is a lot of Love has manifested itself through this tragedy. Please gain comfort in this. May our Almighty Father in Heaven, His Son our Saviour and the Holy Spirit bless you and keep you close in Their Love and Grace.
    With much Love,
    Chuck Koncewicz with all his friends and family.

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  36. Thank you Rev. Brown.. it gives me great encouragement to read through your post and get to understand how God has helped you.. as you can recall I also lost my son on 13th/ 9/2016. it has been a moment of pain, loneliness and grieve to my soul. more so when I remember he was my only child that today I am left alone.. but you’ve become a good example to taught me through your posts how as a father I can coup with this kind of life tormenting. I encouraged here in Africa and assured God’s love and help.

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  37. I have followed you for a year now you are the greatest Rev Mark May the Good Lord give you the strength to be able to cope with one day at a time it was tragic what happened to you , bless you and Christi as well as the other kids in your household

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  38. Not a day has gone by I have thought of you both & your children, I followed like so many others the pregnancy & the joy you felt when Juju was born, I was so deeply saddened when I heard he had died, thinking of the grief you were feeling effected my mood for days, I found it so upsetting knowing how much you were hurting but to read everyone’s prayers & love for you was comforting knowing how much everyone cared. Life will never be the same for you but it is enriched by God’s people who are there for you all, thank you Lord for the greatest gift of all, LOVE.
    God Bless
    Xxx

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