Guest post: Christi Brown

Christi and I are grieving together, but not completely the same way.  In this honest post my wife talks about her faith.. she is an amazing woman and this is a powerful post. She writes:

People have speculated that maybe Judah died because God wanted to bring other people closer to the Lord. I don’t think God’s plan was for Judah to die, so that people could come closer to God.

Jesus’ death did that. And Jesus went into it, fully knowing why and did it of His own free will. He was the only human who could do that, because He is also God’s son. And Jesus had that choice and ability to stop His own death from happening, because he was man, but he was also, not man, and knew the need for what only HE could give was far more important to Him, than himself. Jesus’ death was ordained by God, to save the rest of us from eternity without God. His was the only life ordained that way.

Judah was just a three year old boy, with no choice in this and no ability to save. I don’t believe that his death was ordained, to save others.

One of the results of Judah’s death, the beauty from the ashes, may be that people draw closer to God somehow, but I don’t think God actually planned for him to die this way, in order to make others come to God. God has so many better and less cruel ways of bringing people to him, than to kill a 3 year old child or ordain that he die so young and in such a horrible way. A loving God would not disregard one child, to protect another.

I also don’t believe that God chose us to have this happen to, due to the strength of our faith. I for one, don’t feel I have strong faith. And even if I did, I don’t care how strong any person’s faith may be. THIS will shake ANYONE’s faith and maybe even shatter it. But hopefully, only for a time.

This is the stuff of faith breakers or makers. It’s these kinds of tragedies that cause people to question if God really loves them. To question why God promises protection, and then doesn’t protect in that greatest moment of need. Why an all knowing God didn’t do something (it didn’t even have to be supernatural or miraculous to have successfully stopped this) to intervene. Why God would take a lively, vivacious, curious, loving child with so much potential, away before he even had the chance to fully explore life.

I think people have to ask the questions. Job asked tons of those questions. I have to ask those questions. And that isn’t losing faith.

That is trying to understand and make sense of the incomprehensible. That is trying to find a way forward, while still trying to understand how to keep holding onto faith.

But even more deep than that, it is the complete human inability to hold on to the faith you thought you knew so well. It is learning to trust the faith that has now crumbled in your soul, and allow God to carry you and your crippled faith, in His hands.

That is walking through the valley of the shadow of death. That is the dark night of the soul. It’s those roads that either kill faith, or bring it to completely new dimensions of understanding. But you have to walk that terrifying road of questions, confusion and pain, to even have a chance to come out the other side.

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death….

 

19 thoughts on “Guest post: Christi Brown

    1. As I still grief for our granddaughter who was born with a cancer. I do feel your pain of grief. As I take each step I’m reminded by Gods love that he never leaves us. Through trail he makes us stronger. I can tell you I’m not the same person I was over a year ago. Stronger , stronger faith , growing better each day. God bless you an your family sending hugs.

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  1. You are wise and God love you. I don’t have answers but I am praying daily for you my sister.
    It’s ok to hurt, it’s ok to question. He still loves you.

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  2. Psalm 23 I memorized in the 9th grade…it was an assignment from my English teacher…Mrs.Johnson
    This Psalm has always made alot of sense to me in this mixed up world.
    Also…chose this to be read at my Mother’s service.
    No…we do not have the answer to why our Loved ones leave us.
    Although..I do know there is an answer..
    No matter if it is a child or a elderly loved one that leaves us…it is still hard to deal with.
    God is the answer…no matter the question.
    He listens to our madness…happiness…sorrows…
    I do believe he knows all…and one day..when it is our turn to travel that road to meet him…I believe all our questions will be answered.
    Until then…Gods Blessings all over You and Your Family.
    I have been a Truth seeker for a very long time…funny thing is ..the truth has been there all along…right there in my Faith.

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  3. Such great faith you have! Even faced with the most tremendous, all-encompsssing, devastating loss there is, you two are both still proclaiming your love for our Saviour. To blame, to question, to grieve, to be angry, to implode; all of those are natural reactions. I am sure our Father delights in your faith and courage, no matter how tremulous or fragile you feel it is at this point. You are so right-I stand with you in your belief that God doesn’t punish us or our babies by taking them too soon. The world takes them sometimes. He receives them, he saves them, he holds them for us until we are reunited. It’s the world that can be cold, cruel, and challenging. Our Father loves us unconditionally, with a depth we can scarcely fathom. Yet John 16:33 assures us that He overcame the world. I pray for Him to comfort you and let you feel Judah’s love throughout the rest of your journey here on Earth. You are so strong and brave, and I am so sorry that you and your beautiful family are facing this. Our prayers will continue to be with you, and you are not alone.

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  4. Amen! Christi! However the process….the song states,”we’ll understand it better by and by”! When the by and by emerges, is the mystery! And yes, one must walk through, to get out, on the other side…My prayers of strength and sustainment, are for you and Mark!!!!
    Much love and showers of healing, bestowed upon you!
    Rev. Dawn C Snell, Stamford, CT.,

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  5. Beautifully written. I am deeply touched by what you share of this most difficult journey yet you she’d light along the way. Perhaps not completely, but enough to see a bit more and to meditate upon it.

    I agree with you about your sweet little boy Judah. I continue to send prayers and love to you, Mark and your family.

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  6. Christi, you are so right. God wants us to be honest and ask the questions in our heart. I feel that it is no one’s place to speculate the reason little Judah lost his life. You have a right to grieve as long and as much as you need. Still praying for you daily. Much love to you and Mark!

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  7. Respectfully spoken and thank you for sharing Gods Truth in all this. I pray for your family daily and ask for God to continue to carry you all during this sad and very painful minutes, hours, days, months, years until you have him in your arms again.

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  8. Christi we have never met, Mark has been a friend for many years and I already feel I know you. I still feel your sorrow and grief and weep whenever either of you post, being a father of 4 I can’t imagine what your going through.
    I have never had any faith or religion in my life yet have always believed everyone is born with a footprint, a path already laid out and decided for them and regardless of the choices they make themselves or are made for them the end result is still the same. For some that footprint ends prior to birth, others could be a day, month, year or in cases over 100 years but nobody will ever know when and how.
    Maybe this was Judah’s footprint, though short and unexpected for some reason we will never know why this was his time.
    The grief is beyond belief, yet will fade in time, the pain tears through you and will ease but always be there as you ask yourselves why? The memories will never fade or disappear and we hold onto those remembering every precious moment. It is difficult to be content with those memories believing there should have been so many more and I’m a believer a parent should never outlive their children, yet that unknown footprint laid this path before you and placed this challenge on your faith.
    Be there for each other, talk about it, don’t look for blame or accept blame, build your strength together and show that strength to the rest of the children as they need you both to get through their pain too. You will all have different memories and special moments of Judah, cherish those times and use that strength to make many more with those he left behind.
    I may not have god or religion in my life however do believe there is something after our mortal departure and that one day when your footprint ends you will rejoin your son again.
    I hope one day I will meet you, It’s been a while since I’ve seen my buddy Mark and I know you will both get through this together and as a family. You already have your faith, don’t let it go and never give up on it.
    My thoughts and love are with you all and as I said to Mark, call anytime, I’m always here to listen. Well as long as my footprint doesn’t end after I press send..!! Sorry my humour is always ill timed but who knows…?? Xxx

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  9. So true I am walking through that valley myself. It is a long journey but our God will see us through. 💔 Prayers and lots of love.

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  10. I just feel so sorry for Mark and Christi Juju drowned it was no ones fault , but as a parent to find your child at the bottom of the pool helpless is tragic , each and everyone grieves in a different way , I ask Father God to give both Christie and Mark enough strength to see each day through ,mane to bless the other children in there family they are grieving as well amen

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  11. Oh, how my heart and soul bear witness to your words. I have had my life and my faith shattered by tragedy and had to claw my way out of a pit deeper and darker than I ever imagined existed. I even hated God for a while.
    I now know that He is a big, loving father who, I believe, cried with me as I cried until there were no more tears. He carried me through 4 years of darkness until I was able ( and willing) to walk in His light again. He can handle all your sorrow, hatred, vileness and brokenness. He loves you and He loves your baby boy.
    I’m praying for your family. May you feel His presence and His comfort as you walk through this deep valley. Walk through it at your own pace, grief is a very personal process. Cling to those who love you and who love Judah.
    Standing in prayer for you, ❤️💔❤️💔

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  12. May Our Lord Jesus Grant the Browns peace that surpasses all understanding.Yes some of the questions will only be answered in heaven including Jobs.
    May be Job didn’t know the source of His suffering till He reached heaven that’s when He understood the devil had claimed He was there for God’s goodies not His Faith.Painfully the Father allowed the devil to prove for Himself wheather it was genuine or not.
    I pray that the Browns will prove the devil wrong.
    Browns I pray that You would be of good cheer.Through this the Lord has used You to comfort many.

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