Its the finality, for now at least, that is so shocking. For the next perhaps 40 or so years, I won’t see Judah grow up, won’t be able to hug him, enjoy his laughs or marvel at his imagination.
He will never play a team sport, or attend college, get married or have a first day of work. So much has been taken in that brutal act nearly a year ago. Death is both final and temporary. Here and now, I have only memories, yet one day I will enter through heaven’s gates and into his embrace.
I am blessed with my children, my wife and family, but there is a fractured space where he was. Every single day without him is painful beyond words.
So as the one year anniversary approaches this weekend, my mind both dwells in the past, photos releasing memories of his touch, smell, his sweet small voice.. but also assaulted by a future absent of him.
I tumble into the arms of God, I look up to the mountains, to the truth that, ‘My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth’ (Psalm 121:2).
I live my life fully, but wounded and waiting.