Fractured space

Its the finality, for now at least, that is so shocking.  For the next perhaps 40 or so years, I won’t see Judah grow up, won’t be able to hug him, enjoy his laughs or marvel at his imagination.


He will never play a team sport, or attend college, get married or have a first day of work.  So much has been taken in that brutal act nearly a year ago.  Death is both final and temporary.  Here and now, I have only memories, yet one day I will enter through heaven’s gates and into his embrace.

I am blessed with my children, my wife and family, but there is a fractured space where he was.  Every single day without him is painful beyond words.

So as the one year anniversary approaches this weekend, my mind both dwells in the past, photos releasing memories of his touch, smell, his sweet small voice.. but also assaulted by a future absent of him.

I tumble into the arms of God, I look up to the mountains, to the truth that, ‘My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth’ (Psalm 121:2).

I live my life fully, but wounded and waiting.


14 thoughts on “Fractured space

  1. Sjoe Mark. It is still so raw. I look at his perfect bright blue eyes, and cannot imagine what you and your loved ones are going through. I can only lay you all at the feetvof our Lord Jesus. Bless you🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Family I think about him often..don’t know why? Maybe because I follow his parents. The same dream every time _ 10 sec.Holding an net in his hands…running in the woods??? Saying look..there he is.. I’m chasing dragons. Tear..Don’t know the meaning of why..all I know he is smiling. Well love you and my God continue to bless and keep you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Mark, I cry with you and feel the pain through your words. My heart is with you, my brother ❤ in Christ. There are no words to express the sorrow we know yoy feel. I pray God’s arms hold you and your family tight, close to His heart untill you see yoyr precious Judah again. I love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, Mark. I’ve never lost a child, but I do understand what you mean by that “fractured space” that remains from such deep grief, as you so beautifully put it. I pray for you, Christi, and the kids every morning and every evening. May God so fill that fractured space with His love and light, that it only reminds you of the joy Judah brought you, rather than the pain his loss leaves you. Hugs, my friend. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I remember when you first posted about this. It breaks my heart to think about it as I lost much Brother 4 years ago. The sting of death never goes away but we have joy in Yahweh. You will see him again. That’s the Hope you have in Him.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear Mark
    I don’t think words can ever express how much my heart breaks for you all and pain you are all still feeling.
    The only thing that any Christian can do is hold onto to the fact that you will see Judah again.
    God Bless


  7. The first year is like living in a daze or a fog. The numbness is still there. I lost my daughter 7 years ago suddenly and unexpectedly. She was 35 and left 2 children behind. I know the age difference is huge…but a child is always our child. God bless you and your family, you all will be in my prayers .


  8. I share your pain Brother Mark. We lost our son in 2009 to a drunk driver. I still long for him everyday and wonder what he would be up to these days as he would be an adult by now. I hold on to the hope and the knowledge that I will see him again someday and be able to hug him again. Until then he is my angel and I have to walk through life that way


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