Cracked but whole

I vividly recall holding my dead son in my arms.

Tubes once pointlessly providing sustenance to his lifeless body hung useless, a reminder of the futility of the care.

He was no longer Judah, but a chrysalis of sorts, a former shell of a life now with the Lord.

Dazed and in shock, I struggled to imagine how I would do normal life again.

And truth is, I haven’t and I won’t. I grieve, daily yearning to see, to hear my little man again.

I am a broken, changed man. But not the type of broken beyond repair – a lost cause. More I am patched together, the cracks and damage obvious to see.

Healing accompanied with pain. God bringing not so much restoration but reorganization. I will never be the same Mark and I am ok with that. My faith is stronger, but my sense of the world being safe is gone. My resolve to live a meaningful life has grown, while my tolerance for the pointless and superficial has diminished.

I will never forget my son Judah. His radiant laugh, his excitement about music, his family and his toys will never depart me.

Just as a lock of his hair sits within a cross by my heart each day, so too his memory remains ever so close.

One day daddy will dance with you again son. Until then, my prayer is, God use me well. I am willing, I am ready.

12 thoughts on “Cracked but whole

  1. Oh my gosh Mark. I really don’t know what to say besides, you’ve said it all! You’ve summed it all up for me and explained how you feel as a parent who loses their child..and I too lost my son to cancer and when people ask how are you..these words/your words is what I’d really like to say but yet I say “Im ok.” Thank you Mark. I myself could not have said it any better. I never really could explain how i really feel as a mother that has lost her son I could never put it into words because there are so many different things your feeling, but you did it. That’s exactly how i feel. Thank you again. Maybe somehow my boy Chad and judah met and are now friends and I know they are waiting for us but in the mean time they are with Jesus and just knowing that is refreshing.
    RIP Angels of God Chad and Judah..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Every time you write of Judah I weep for you. So many of us like Roseann feel your loss deeply. May God continue to keep you strong until that day you join Judah in heaven. God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hugging you and Christie from Dallas. I can imagine him running to you when you get to heaven. What a glorious day that will be. God be with you and your precious family. Have a blessed New Year.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pastor Mark. I can never know or feel the pain you have or describe of losing a child, and I know many who have felt it, but I do feel the warm hands of our Lord around you. The way you speak, write and express your heartfelt memories come from the healing hands of Jesus, however, I don’t believe God wants us to forget those who HE gave us or put in our lives, but through the pain, to see how God works His magic in and through us. The constant comforting words you give others, even while you are in pain, are an example. I will never forget my parents, sister, friends who have died, for the memories are part of my life, but I feel comfort knowing they are in those warm hands of the Lord forever. We love you and Kristi.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mark.
    Every time you publish a new blog your faith courage and pain is beyond my understanding. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I can’t come close to understanding your brokenness . But I can pray for you .

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My thoughts and prayers continue for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and memories. Jesus is carrying your family moment by moment. Peace be with you.

    Liked by 1 person

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