Pain

I hold you carefully in my arms, your little 3 year old body resting across my lap.  I sing your bedtime song.  Your eyes are closed, a tube is hanging out of your mouth, you were pronounced dead just 10 minutes prior. 

I keep singing, knowing this will be the last time I will hold you on this earth. I run my hands through your golden hair, admire your long eye lashes.  I am devastated. 

Nothing can prepare me for this moment.  No words will help. It just is. 

I stop singing,  holding you for a little longer, confronted with your distended body from  medication that kept you alive. 

I am a vestige of myself, an empty shell of a man gutted by tragedy. I have so little, I am helpless, beaten.  

I cannot stay in this place, I face the truth as I gently pass Judah’s body to Christi, her face frozen in agony and shock. 

So begins my new, unwanted normal. I know pain.  I know what it feels like to really be alone. It isn’t scary but devoid of care or concern for the usual rhythms of life.  

I will rebuild, but never the same. I will always be broken, but held together by a gracious God who sees my pain and responds. 

22 Comments

  1. How awful. We lost my sister and her husband 6 months after they got married. They were young, talented, smart, beautiful and they loved God. They we were killed on their way home for Christmas. Watching my parents navigate their grief, made losing a child the worst thing I could think of, something that always terrified me. Your life never becomes what in once was. You are correct. With my deepest sympathies to whoever lost their child. God bless you and keep you.

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  2. My heart just hurts for you & Christi & your family. I don’t know how you keep putting one foot in front of the other…I truly don’t! ……I know pain as well when my mother was murdered. I know, in my case, God used that circumstance to draw me closer to Him because up to then I was a very carnal Christian. When I think back to that time I don’t know how I made it either…..BUT God….I know He’s faithful. I know He loves you & Christi & family. I know He’s strengthening you through all of this pain. I know He has a plan for your lives. Praying dear Mark for all of you!

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  3. This comes to me on a day that would be my middle Son’s 25th birthday (he died of an overdose this past Jan),and a month before what would be my youngest daughter’s 24th birthday (she was killed by her sitter at 6 mo old). Although I am sad, I have such peace. They are with their Father in perfect joy.

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  4. I have never lost a child but a mother it must have been the most devastating experience any parent could expierance, all I can say to you is that Judah is in Gods house watching you and your family. May God comfort you each day of your lives

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  5. Wow, Pastor you drew me right into that moment. Raw and pure devastation. No one can share your personal agony, each one of us have our own moments and all live never the same again.
    My heartfelt sympathy’s to you all still. I will never forget your family’s story and purpose that has prevailed!

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  6. I can not start to imagine your pain, but as a mother of 3 thought of losing them makes your pain unbearable. May God give you the strength to walk each new day. My prayers are with your family.

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